A Reunion - Part 8

I got home from Dallas, and as much as life tried to go back to normal, it was pretty much impossible. Meeting Alisha had been life-changing, eye-opening, and just plain fun.
About a month later, my mom, Barb, and I recieved an e-mail from Kathy, Alisha's mom. She was explaining how her 87 year old mother, (Alisha's grandmother) Loretta, her sister (Alisha's aunt), Pam and herself were going to be traveling to Shreveport Louisiana for a girls trip. Alisha was planning on driving 3.5 hours to Shreveport from Dallas to surprise her grandmother whom she hadn't seen in a few years. Then Alisha had the idea that I also join them, to surprise both Loretta and Pam and to meet Kathy for the first time.
So, on June 10th, I met for the first time, my grandmother Kathy, my great-aunt Pam, and my great-grandmother Loretta. It was a great experience beat out only by my first reunion with Alisha. Grandma Loretta (who I greatly admire for her love and faith in Jesus) began to cry, because for the last 19 years she was only able to question if she would ever meet her first great-grandchild. Aunt Pam immediatly began to tell me all about her husband and her life in Louisiana (Pam is the sweetest, cutest southern woman I have ever met!!!) and Kathy just wanted to hug me :)
We had a great weekend. Anywhere we went, if we needed a photo taken, Loretta would proudly announce that we were a group of 4 generations.  Kathy took me shopping, like any sweet grandmother would, we went out to eat, I showed them all my scrapbooks, and Alisha had found a photographer to take pictures of this special time.
Those women made a mark on my heart that I will not soon forget. It made me more excited for the future, and to see what is to come. What's next? I have no idea. But I know it will be marvelous!

Left-Right: Pam, Kathy, Loretta, Alisha, and Myself

A Struggle - Part 7

I think the five days I spent in Texas were probably the most emotionally challenging days I have had in a while...if not in my whole life.

Alisha and I had a grand time while I was there. The first night I arrived, Alisha gave me a huge Easter basket she had put together for me...and inside of it among the typical chocolate bunnies and jelly beans, were two tickets to the Disney's Beauty and the Beast on Broadway which was showing in Fort Worth that weekend. Although I had seen this show once before in Omaha with my best friend Arielle, I was very excited to see it again with Alisha...not to mention that it is also my favorite Disney story :) Our adventure together consisted of going to Six Flags, a Christian concert, a picnic at the botanical gardens (my very first picnic ever!), visiting the Stockyards and watching a cattle drive, making meals together, trying fried pickles for the first time and of course, a mani/pedi day that every girl should have!

But the best part was, just getting to know Alisha. Who she was, what she was like, hearing stories of her life, and stories of her pregnancy with me. The hardest part, was dealing with my many emotions that built up inside of me during the day. There were times that we would be driving in the car and I would think "Wow, this is what my life could have been like, with Alisha as my mother." My eyes would tear up everytime I thought that...because I wanted it to be true.

I remember, my second night there, after Alisha and I had said goodnight, and I went into my guest room where I was staying, I broke down. I had always had an "easy" life. Two parents, a good family, never wanting of something I needed...but I never really had a good relationship with my mom. But Alisha was someone I knew I could have had a relationship with. Of course, we would have issues like all mother-daughter relationships, but I knew I would have been able to talk with her about anything. I kept thinking "I would have rather had a hard, single-parent, life with Alisha, than an easy life with anyone else".
But then I called my friend Quentin. Quentin and I had done Fire in the Night together and over Christmas break, my parents invited him to come stay with us because he didn't have money to go home, and he had nowhere else to stay. He became one of my best friends during that time. As I talked to him on the phone, convinced that he couldn't understand me because of my blubbering, I told him everything I was feeling...but then he reminded me of something.
"Katie, if you had been with Alisha your whole life, would you still have the heart for adoption that you do right now?"
Gah, he knew me too well.
*sniffle sniffle* ".....No."
"God always knows what He is doing; you are where He wants you to be, even if you can't understand it right now. Besides, now you can begin that friendship with her, without all the mother-daughter drama."

So, I began to feel like I had "traded" a life with my biological mom, for the heart that God had given me for Life, and adoption...even though I had no way of choosing the life that I had been given. It was almost as if I couldn't have both. I told the Lord that I didn't understand, but I knew that He has a purpose...and that I was thankful just for the opportunity He gave me to begin a deeper relationship with Alisha.

A Reality - Part 6

Most little girls dream about their wedding as they grow up. I did that too, but not as often as I dreamed about the day I would meet Alisha, my biological mother. Being the actress I am, I would rehearse what I would say and do. Being the writer that I am, I would write stories in Creative Writing class about it. Being the girl that I am, I would be emotional about it all, at random times. But all of that, is just imagination. No imagination can ever come up with the feelings you get when it becomes a reality and your mother hugs you for the first time in your life.

During the remainder of my stay in Kansas City, Alisha and I made plans over Facebook. I was going to fly into the Dallas/Fort Worth airport on Wednesday, April 20th and stay until Monday the 25th. I only had 19 days from the time I got home from KC until I went to Texas. I busied myself by catching up with friends, switching back to the day schedule, and writing a letter sharing with old friends and family what God had done in my life the last six months. But even with all of that, it would be rare if I didn't have my upcoming trip on my mind.

As the days in April drew longer and came closer to the 20th, I found myself wondering, worrying and questioning. What would Alisha be like? What would we do together? Would she like me?? Would we have enough to talk about for five days? (My friends said, "Katie, it's you. You won't run out of things to say") Would I live up to her expectations?

Finally the day came. I have been on stage hundreds of times, but I have never felt as nervous as I did that whole day, from the time I woke up all the way throughout the plane ride. When I landed I made a pitstop in the restroom, almost too nervous to continue out to the luggage carousel, where I knew she would be waiting for me. I freshened up and continued on my way. I'm surprised I found my way out of the Dallas/Fort Worth airport so easily, especially with all my nerves.

I can't explain my emotions, or desribe what I was thinking when I saw her at the door holding a huge boquet of flowers for me...18 roses to be exact. All I knew was that I had just opened the door to a whole new perspective in my life, and I was so excited.


*Video of our first "reunion" coming soon. Stay posted* :)

An Invitation - Part 5

The months went by quickly in Fire in the Night. I look back and still can't believe that it's already over...even now, after being home for 3 months. A 6 month period seems like a long time before it happens, but after it's over, it's just a blink of an eye compared to your whole life that's a head of you. But things seemed to slow down  for me mid-February. It seems like that happens a lot when I have something I'm really looking forward to.

I don't remember the exact day, but it was late February. I was having dinner with my fellow Fire in the Night interns (at 1 o'clock AM!) and I received a letter. Usually my friends and family would tell me when they were sending something so I knew to look for it when the mail came in. But this one surprised me, and it was from Alisha. Other than the occasional comment or "like" on Facebook, I hadn't really talked to her since receiving her letter the October before. This is one letter that I was not likely to soon forget.

"I'd like to invite you to come visit me in Texas...How about Easter weekend? The meaning of that weekend with the renewal of life and resurrection would be quite fitting".

Imagining me flipping out in the cafeteria, crazily waving the letter around, proclaiming "I'm gonna meet Alisha!!!" After my excitement, I was speechless. Wow. I was going to meet my birth-mother. I went back to the prayer room that night, sat against the wall in the back and had no idea what to think, or feel. And for Easter! Why, that was only 3 weeks after I got home from Kansas City, and I only had a month left there! Less than TWO MONTHS and I was going to meet her! It was all coming so suddenly. It was a reality, and a reality that would change and shift my whole world, for the better I hoped.

What I loved most, was how God showed Himself through this. He loves showing us how much we mean to Him, and showing us in ways that will speak to us personally. Although it never even crossed my mind to pray for this invitation to Texas, it happened. Whether Alisha herself prayed for direction on what to do, or whether the Holy Spirit gave her the idea to invite me, He knew my heart and my desire. It was just another reminder that God does see, know, and love me.  

A Daughter - Part 4

No matter how open the adoption is, even if the child understands, and agrees with the reason behind the decision of adoption, there is going to be pain all around; it's inevitable. That's the bad news. But the good news is that my God heals. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually; I know this from experience. A huge part of this story is how God worked, and is currently working in my heart dealing with my adoption, and my birth-parents.

One of the things we did in Fire in the Night was called "Pure Heart". It was a two day session that dealt with all the wounds we obtain in our life-time. This seminar type teaching was based on the book "Pure Heart" (fantastic book, I would highly recommend it) which focuses on life pains such as the "Mother wound" and the "Father wound". Everyone has these types of hurts. Even if we were to have the best mother or father, they are still human beings and aren't perfect. God brought up some stuff in my heart, including a hurt that came from my birth-mother. I never thought that I had anything against her. I always completely understood why she did what she did, and agreed with her decision. But in this session, during the ministry time where we allowed God to begin healing, I realized  that I was hurt. I sat on the floor sobbing, and the only thing I could say was "I miss her". I said that phrase over and over again until I felt like I couldn't cry anymore. They say the unborn and infants develop a connection with the woman that is carrying them. They can recognize her voice and they respond to the mother's emotions as well. I guess I never knew that I had that bond with Alisha, until I began to heal from our separation.

During my first week in Kansas City, God really revealed Himself to me as a Father. If you can remember, in part 2 of my blog, I wrote about how Steve came to visit me in the hospital, but he refused to hold me. There was one night, beginning of October, where I walked into the church service and the worship team was singing a song with the lyrics  "You are a good, good Father" That caught my attention. A few minutes later, they went on to sing "He seeks you, He finds you, He holds you, He never lets you go". I immediately broke down. Long story short, this is what I came to realize and believe that night: 

The love and acceptance of my birth-father will not sustain me. But I already have the Love and Acceptance of my heavenly Father. I am His daughter, and out of all His children, I am His favorite one. He chose me. He is my Father, my Daddy. I can crawl up on His lap anytime I please. He has adopted me into His heavenly family. I am no longer a child of the world but a child of the Most High. He delights in me, He rejoices over me. I don't need to work for His approval because I have already received it. He sees me as innocent and pure in heart. I am a princess; but not a wimpy Disney princess! I am a princess in the courts of heaven because my Father is the King of Kings and I walk in and under His authority. Yes, I am worthy of His love. Because He paid the price for me. If I was the only one on this planet, He still would have sent Jesus to die, for me! Even if I had the best earthly father on the planet, his love could not compare to the love of God. Abandonment and rejection cannot accompany me to the throne room any longer because I am no longer abandoned or rejected!

For the first time in my life, I felt like a daughter. I felt what I always imagined a Father-daughter relationship would feel like. Bruce Kotila, my dad, is amazing. But he is human too. I came to realize that the One who will always hold me, support me, and accept me no matter what is the One who created me, who breathed life into my lungs and gave me this chance at life that I am so grateful for. Nothing can beat that.

Psalm 34:18

     The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Hosea 14:3b

     ...For in You the fatherless finds mercy.

A Letter - Part 3

Between my birthday, and my leaving for Kansas City, I worked on writing Alisha a letter. Well, honestly, it was pretty much done about a week after my birthday, but I didn't have the courage to send it to her until the day before I left home at the end of September.
For two months, I read and re-read the letter I was going to send to my birth-mother, expressing my desire to finally take the next step in our relationship. What would she think? How would it take place? When would it happen? Did I really want to? Was I really ready for this?
But I sent it, September 28th. In the letter I had expressed how happy I was to have received her journal and how all my life, being adopted was a huge part of who I was, and I loved sharing my history with people. But most importantly, I told her that I didn't just want to meet her, but I wanted to be apart of her and her family's life. I then gave her my Kansas City address just in case she wanted to write me back while I was there.

About a month into my internship, I received two letters on October 21st. One was from my parents, celebrating my, what we fondly call my "gotcha day", or in other words, the day that I was officially adopted. The other was from Alisha; it was her response to my proposal of taking the next step in our relationship.
She began the letter informally, asking how Kansas City was and talking about how school was going for her (she was getting her masters in public health). She then went on to say how having a daughter was also something that was a big part of her life and she would love to start thinking about the next step. "Let's keep writing and see where that takes us."
How should I respond to that? I had always envisioned my first meeting with her in Texas, where she lived. But I didn't feel like I couldn't just invite myself. That is rude in any situation, and this time, I felt that it was even less of an option. Her coming to Omaha? I guess that would be ok, but with my parents there...it just didn't feel right.
I decided all I could do was wait. I didn't respond and continued to hope that someday everything would work out the way it should.

A Birthday - Part 2

July 28th 2010. My 18th birthday.

I was finally 18! An adult, graduated, moving to Kansas City...I felt on top of the world! I didn't know that this would be my most emotional birthday yet. 

The day started off pretty normally. I spent some time with my at-the-time boyfriend Carl, watching the new Alice in Wonderland movie. Then I went off to the gym to work out with my best friend Arielle, followed by a nice birthday lunch at Red Robin. Nothing too special. I came home to a pile of birthday cards that had come in that day's mail, and of course my favorite of all, a box from Alisha. I wanted to save that one until last, but I quickly opened and read all the other greetings before taking her package down to my room.
Plopping down on my bed, I opened the box, read her beautifully penned birthday card (I defiantly did not get her good handwriting!) and unwrapped the thin, square shaped gift. It was a journal.

The journal started December 13th 1991, a week after Alisha found out she was pregnant, and went until September 1993, when I was a little over a year old. I had heard bits and pieces of my "back-round" story, but this is something I had never dreamed of holding in my hands. The whole story, with Alisha's emotions woven into it.

Alisha was 16 when she got pregnant with me. Her father, Paul, took it hard when he found out. She later told me she thought he saw it as a reflection on his parenting. He scheduled an abortion for December 17th.
3 days.
I, who I was as a fetus, had 3 days to live.
When I sit back and look at what that really meant, I thank God for saving my life. I was 3 days away from not being born. 3 days away from not living my life that I now love so much. 3 days away from not being who I have been created to be. Millions of unborn babies have not been as blessed as I have. This is why my heart is for the ones who have been silenced...because I was almost one of them, and I believe with all my heart, that each child, no matter the circumstances of their conception, has the same right to life as I was given.
Alisha apparently felt the same way. She expressed in her journal the disagreement with her father's decision and said she would run away if it meant protecting her baby. Well, I don't know what changed Paul's heart, but sometime before the 17th, he gave her the choice. Abortion, or adoption. Alisha gladly accepted the latter, saying "I was so happy that I didn't have to kill the baby, so I agreed. It deserved a loving family".

The journal went on showing me the emotional ups and downs Alisha had during her pregnancy . From her entertaining thoughts and ideas of how she really could raise me if she worked hard enough, to her realizing that I deserved much more than a one-room apartment and nothing but a hug on Christmas morning, to her hoping and praying that I wouldn't resent her for this choice she had made.

By this time, it was getting hard for me to finish reading, because my eyes were so blurry with tears.
The rest of the journal consisted of more stories and emotional struggles, including Steve moving in with his new girlfriend about a month before I was born, Alisha receiving a 4.0 in her junior year studies, and how the baby, me, had hiccups the day before she was induced on the 28th of July. (Which I love, because my friends have always told me I have the most unique sounding hiccups!)
Then I was born.
Alisha named me Carley Ann. Steve (my birth-father) did come to visit me, but did not want to hold me. Paul did not come to the hospital at all. Alisha's mother, who had been supporting her the entire pregnancy, was there, and took many pictures.
October 20th, 1992 my adoption was finalized. The reason why it took so long was because Steve had left, nobody knew where he was, and also, Alisha kept changing her mind. She even bought a car seat and diaper bag for me.
There was one day when she was arguing with her parents, trying to convince them that she could do what it took to raise me, but finally Kathy said something to her that stopped her in her tracks. "Alisha, what if this baby girl has an amazing talent for playing the piano, but you as a single parent, cannot provide piano lessons for her?" Alisha took a walk and spent some time with God, asking Him about it, and came to the conclusion that her parents were right. Imagine Alisha's face 12 years later when she received from me, a CD of various piano selections that I had recorded for a piano lesson project. God always knows what He is doing.
The journal ended with an entry in September 1993 where Alisha shared that she had gotten a tattoo on her hip of a rose with the name Carley Ann on it (although my parents had obviously changed my name to Katherine Diane by this time).

I closed the journal, my mind racing. I knew that from that day on, my life had been changed. A new door had been opened and there was no way of closing it. This, what was written in the journal, was how I came to be, how my life began. This was the story God gave to me. What was I going to do with it? I had no idea.
But to start, I knew that now, I was ready to make the next step; meeting the woman who had chosen life, and brought me into this world.    

Me, Katherine Diane, July 28th 1992